Author: triadwellnesscounseling

A Caregiver’s Journey

by triadwellnesscounseling

I officially became a caregiver of one person on August 10th, 2019. I became a caregiver of two people by December of 2021. One of the people I am caring for is supposed to be my partner in life, the person who makes decisions with me and we care for each other, jointly handling the stress and joys that accompany being a family unit. The other person I am caring for is the one person who has loved me the most throughout my entire life. She gave birth to me, and has always been my greatest champion. Both of the people I am caring for I love dearly, and both need me equally. They are also two hours apart, so I split my weeks in half in order to give each of them the time they need, which is actually never enough for either of them and always too much for me.

In my work as a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, several of my clients are also caregivers, and I have been doing a lot of reading and research about caregiving over the past few years to keep up with both their needs and mine. I have seen what it does to other people. I know what it does to me. There is evidence that caregiving changes people both physically and mentally, and not always for the better. This is very frightening to me, having this knowledge, but not knowing how to stop it. I’ve known of at least three situations off the top of my head in which, once the caregiver lost the person they were caring for, they developed severe physical problems/illnesses that eventually led to death. And I know how often caregivers feel left out of life, as if everyone else gets to go on living and somehow they never quite catch up. I have known caregivers who have sadly taken their own lives, and have read about that happening with disturbing regularity. It is a kind of dark desperation to end what has no predictable end, and I know the deep well that those feelings are drawn from. That’s why I’m writing this post: to bring awareness to those who often feel out of step with the rest of the world and may need help, but don’t know how to ask for it.

Many of the caregivers I’ve worked with have been so dysregulated that they can’t tell others what they need. I’m that way myself sometimes. If you ask me what I need from you, it’s likely that I don’t know anything past the very moment that I am in, and my needs change frequently. When I ask another caregiver what they need, I often follow what I call “SWAP”: do you need Suggestions (advice about something), Witness (just listening and being a witness to feelings), A combination of witness and suggestions, or Physical affirmation (a hug, a touch, a hand-hold, etc.) That covers most things and gives the caregiver a path to follow, instead of having to think hard to come up with something when their minds and bodies are too tired to do so.

The standard self-care measures often don’t work with caregivers. Well-meaning folks often say that I need to take care of myself, and I know that, but what does self-care look like for me? I can’t take lengthy vacations, and even when I am away I am tethered to those I am caregiving for by phone and text, and also mentally (I wonder how she is doing? Could she have fallen? I wonder if he made it to work? Did he feed the dog and let him out? etc) Even when I have gone out to eat with friends I have had this nagging urge to get back home to check on my person. As much as I want to relax, it just doesn’t happen easily.

I have stopped doing the things that bring me joy because I don’t feel the joy in the same way anymore. I miss my yoga, but don’t have the energy to do it even when I have a bit of free time. I miss writing, though often no thoughts come to mind when I sit down to write. I miss long walks or going to parks to enjoy the outdoors. I miss playing my guitar or watching movies, or even making time to see friends. When I get home from work, it’s all I can do to fix dinner and get ready for the next day. I simply don’t have the mental or physical energy that self-care requires, and that is often something I hear from other caregivers: there’s just no energy or mental space for things other than sleep. And often, sleep is elusive.

But one thing I do have, and have in abundance, is friendship and a supportive family. I am so lucky in that respect, as some caregivers are almost completely on their own, and I can’t even imagine what that is like for them to feel so alienated. One thing my friends constantly do to keep connected to me is to send me funny memes or ones of friendship. That simple act lets me know I am in their thoughts, and that is powerful. I so often think of my friends, yet don’t reach out. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them or want to see them. It just means that I can’t find the energy to reach out.

I’m not forgetting about them. I’m forgetting about me.

The sad reality about most caregiving is that, in order for there to be relief, someone has to die. Living with that is a horrible, conflicting feeling. To want relief at all costs feels so callous. Yet there are days when I want the stress to end, knowing full well what that means. That is a tough pill to swallow, and one that I am continually digesting.

If there is a caregiver in your life, make sure you reach out every now and again. Not with any agenda or purpose necessarily, just to touch base. Even small gestures can mean so much. And if you are a caregiver and need support, please feel free to reach out to me. I love connecting with other caregivers.

I missed National Caregivers Day. It was apparently Feb. 21st. So this is my belated shout out to all the caregivers I know: I see you. I empathize with you. You are not forgotten.

Changing a Resolution Into a Thoughtful Commitment

by triadwellnesscounseling

Welcome to 2025! I hope your new year is off to a good start.

As we welcome in the new year, it is not uncommon to start thinking of new year’s resolutions: changes we would like to make in our lives, usually based on improving some not-so-great habits that dominated the previous year. These often take the form of weight loss or becoming more healthy through exercise and diet, decluttering, creating a better routine or system of organization, improving or expanding our social networks, etc. Many of these resolutions start out with the best of intentions, but are often not set up for success, creating an adverse effect instead of a positive one. 

A recent article published by CBS News’ Sara Moniuszko states that, “While nearly half of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, only about 25% of people actually stay committed to their resolutions after just 30 days, according to Columbia University. And even fewer, less than 10%, accomplish their goals.“

So how do you improve your chances of keeping your resolutions and turning them into lasting habits? Many resolutions are goal-focused, i.e. focused on the end result instead of the process. In focusing on a single result—like losing 40 pounds by the end of the year—we ignore the system. Our system is our way of life: our environment, how we operate on a day to day basis. It can either set us up for success, or doom us to failure. As James Clear, author of the book Atomic Habits, states, “It sounds simple, but a habit can occur only if you are capable of doing it.”  

Using weight loss as an example, let’s say “Jane Doe” commits to losing 20 pounds by the end of June. Jane picks a diet to go on, decides she is going to exercise three times a week at the local gym, then starts tracking her progress with a weight loss app. The diet ends up not compatible with the usual foods that she eats, requires a lot of prep time, and is thus hard to adhere to. Jane works overtime a lot, and doesn’t have a lot of energy for food preparation. The gym she chose to attend for exercise classes is 25 minutes from her house, so she doesn’t go as often as she resolves to because of lack of time and motivation to drive out of her way. Six months later, and not only has Jane not lost weight, but she’s actually gained five pounds. She didn’t stick to her diet, and gave up on exercising after only a couple of weeks. 

Jane is not the failure: her system is. 

In the above scenario, a better approach would be for Jane to examine her system first, then determine a plan (in this case, how and what she normally eats and how to adjust that, and how much free time she can reliably manage to exercise, given her work requirements).

If you set yourself up for success by realistically examining your system and where you can work with that system to make healthy–sometimes smaller–changes, you are much more likely to succeed. Smaller changes turn into larger ones in time, once a habit is formed.

In addition to examining our systems, Atomic Habits suggests that changing a habit involves identifying with that new habit, even before we feel we’ve achieved success. He cites the example of two people trying to quit smoking. When the first person is offered a cigarette, he says, “No, thank you. I’m trying to quit smoking.” When the second person is offered a cigarette, he replies, “No, thank you. I don’t smoke.” Though both people are trying to quit smoking, the first one still identifies as a smoker, the second identifies as a non-smoker. Though it may seem like a small difference, identifying with your goal and embodying that mindset sets you up for greater success. 

Let’s go back to the weight loss example. If you are trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle, you might ask yourself when faced with binge-eating a bag of chips, “Is this a choice that a healthy person would make?” By identifying as a healthy person now rather than a person trying to lose weight, you are much more likely to decline that bag of chips. 

I highly recommend the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. If you are trying to change any habit in your life or develop new ones, this book is invaluable.  You can find it here: 

Another great series of books for keeping New Year’s resolutions is through Habit Nest. https://habitnest.com/

I’m currently using their yoga book and decluttering book, both of which are wonderful. For the first time in my life, I have been able to stick to a yoga routine, thanks to Habit Nest’s The Yoga book. I know I don’t have time to attend yoga classes due to my varied work schedule, but I do have time to follow the exercises in my book on my own time. And instead of boldly proclaiming that I will practice yoga every day, I realistically looked at my schedule and found that I can reliably set aside five mornings a week for yoga. Going even further into my lifestyle, knowing that I’m often tired from work and caregiving, I set my goal for practicing yoga at four days a week. For over two months now, I have met my goal every week. I worked with my system instead of against it, and have thus been successful.

To help you on your journey of turning a resolution into a thoughtful commitment (i.e. habit!), consider the following resources:

For weight loss, exercise, and/or healthy eating:

www.habitnest.com (specifically https://habitnest.com/collections/fitness-habits)

dailyom.com (click on the Courses tab and explore by topic) There are so many different healthy classes to take here, working at your own speed and price range.

For decluttering and organizing:

Both of the above websites also offer books and classes on decluttering and other topics. You might consider these:

https://www.dailyom.com/courses/home-organizing/

https://habitnest.com/collections/lifestyle-habits/products/the-home-organization-sidekick-journal?variant=42761001533599

If podcasts are your thing, I highly recommend Andrew Mellen’s podcast: https://www.andrewmellen.com/podcast

You can also find him on Spotify and YouTube, and anywhere else you typically listen to podcasts. He’s a great organizer, and has some smart, easy-to-follow tips for getting your life in order.

~

In creating a new habit, always practice compassion for yourself. Learning a new habit takes time and patience and requires a different way of thinking than what’s already programmed into your brain. You’re likely to have setbacks, so be prepared to cut yourself some slack, then keep going.

Wishing you all the best in the new year and beyond!

Amanda

How to Look at Anger Differently

by triadwellnesscounseling

When I was young, my family did not like to deal with uncomfortable emotions. When a challenging emotion surfaced, I was taught to ignore it and it will eventually go away. Anger was rarely expressed. Grief wasn’t shared. Only “safe” emotions were allowed to bubble up and make their way to the surface of our conversations. All those troubling and more complicated emotions were ignored. This taught me one important lesson: anger is bad, and I should be ashamed when I feel it.

My school reinforced this notion of anger as a negative thing. Only the “angry” kids were sent to the office, and quickly, too. I remember poor “Paul” (name changed), a kid who, from the very first day of first grade was labeled as the problem child. Paul was sent to the office several times a week for his angry outbursts, and, in my day, that meant being paddled by the principal. No one ever stopped to ask why Paul was so angry or take the time to show him how to deal with his anger. My best guess now is that Paul was dealing with some heavy stuff at home, and no one had shown him what to do with his difficult emotions.

Is anger really bad? If we don’t know what to do with it or use it to harm others, it can surely have some negative outcomes. But the emotion itself is quite normal, and historically serves a very important role in our survival.

In her podcast How to Be Angry Better, Dr. Laurie Santos invites Dr. Faith Harper to discuss anger in very relatable and helpful terms. Dr. Harper explains that the definition of anger derives from the Latin root “to out move”. In a sense, anger is a trigger that helps you stay safe. It directs your body to move and create change; anger is a cue for your body to protect itself.

The problem is that we aren’t taught how to manage anger in healthy ways, to use this signal for protection to our benefit and the benefit of others. Because anger is dealt with punitively from a young age, we don’t develop healthy ways of addressing it. Anger is meant to be a brief feeling, a signal to make a change. If we hold on to it and don’t resolve it, it can have some unhealthy physical and mental consequences and can cause problems in our relationships with others.

When I was a school counselor, I had a poster on my office door titled Managing Your Anger: What’s Behind It? In the center of the poster was the word anger. Around that word were other feeling words: anxiety, shame, embarrassment, fear, sadness, hurt, frustration, etc. So when a student who was expressing anger came to my office, I would point to the poster and go through the different feelings behind the anger. What was the trigger? What were you really feeling? Anger rarely stands alone. There’s always a trigger that creates an angry response. The key is to uncover that emotion and deal with what’s behind the angry outburst. Getting to the root of the problem helps calm the anger and manage your reactions to it.

One tip to regulate our anger that Dr. Harper gives in the podcast How to Be Angry Better is the 90-second rule. The goal is to be curious about our anger for 90 seconds, to think before you react: “Oh! Something’s going on here. I’m having a big reaction to this. What’s behind it?” Anger is our body’s signal to pay attention, so if we’re curious about this emotion and question it, that’s all the body wants, and our anger dissipates. Because we’re attending to what’s going on when we stop and question what we’re feeling, the anger doesn’t last as long.

I highly recommend listening to the entire podcast How to Be Angry Better, which can be found on the broader podcast titled The Happiness Lab. It’s available on Spotify and Pushkin.

And the “Managing Your Anger” poster I mentioned can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Managing-Emotions-Motivational-18-24/dp/B00448RE8A/ref=sr_1_5?crid=XGGOYPXVN89G&keywords=Managing%2BYour%2BAnger%2BFaces%2BEmotions%2BMotivational%2BPoster%2BArt%2BPrint%2B18%2Bx%2B24%2Binches&qid=1651154470&sprefix=managing%2Byour%2Banger%2Bfaces%2Bemotions%2Bmotivational%2Bposter%2Bart%2Bprint%2B18%2Bx%2B24%2Binches%2Caps%2C211&sr=8-5&th=1

How Personality Types Can Affect the Way We Relate to Others

by triadwellnesscounseling

Since our shelter-in-place orders in March and continued time at home, I’ve been trying to take this opportunity away from on-site work to learn a bit more about myself and my family and the way that we interact with each other, particularly during a time when leaving the house is highly restricted.  This forced closeness has given all of us a chance to do some soul-searching.

One thing that is meaningful to me right now is learning more about how different personality types react in times like these, living in close quarters.  Being at home with several people on a seemingly unending loop takes a lot of patience, and distinct personality types respond in very different ways to being alone or being in groups.  I am currently sheltering at home with three other people and two dogs in a relatively small space.  As I type this, my daughter is sitting next to me, my son is still asleep (so we’re all having to tip-toe around) and my partner Tony is on a conference call with his work in the front room (again, we all have to be quiet because of that).  At the root of being able to cohabitate with multiple people is the ability to understand each person’s personality type: are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Most people think that the terms “introvert” and “extrovert” refer to how outgoing a person is, and that’s only partly true.  Introverts are not necessarily shy, and extroverts aren’t necessarily comfortable entertaining people. What these terms do show us is how we recharge, what we do when our mental resources are depleted. If you are an introvert, you recharge your batteries by being alone.  For example, I am an introvert. When I am operating on full-steam, I can entertain a whole room full of people with no problem at all. I have performed onstage in front of thousands of people; I have taught classes and led discussions with 30+ people on Zoom without a problem. When I feel stressed out, though, I need to be by myself with no connection to others: no phone calls, no face-to-face, no texts.  I need to be quiet by myself for a bit, then I’ll recharge and be able to interact comfortably with people again. This whole social distancing thing would be perfect for me IF I were alone in my house.  But I’m not, so it is a definite challenge for me to stay sane and patient because…

…there are others in my family who are extroverts.  Unlike me, they need to be around people to recharge their batteries.  So when an extrovert is feeling mentally drained, they need to engage with other people to recharge.  This can be a problem in a time of social distancing.

Extroverts need connection and activity to feel better when they are emotionally drained; introverts need to be alone and quiet.

It’s very important to find out how those in your family recharge their mental batteries.  It can save a lot of stress to know that when your child or partner is feeling anxious, he/she might be an introvert and need time alone instead of forced time with the family.  Or your child/partner might need to engage with other people in the family to get back on track if he/she is an extrovert.  When an introverted person is stressed or drained, trying to pull them into the family group may prove very challenging and cause tempers to rise. Conversely, an extrovert may be trying to continually engage you if they are stressed when you are trying to work or relax, again causing some tension.

Introverts and extroverts can get along in close quarters if we take time to learn about how each personality type responds to stress.

Here is a great article to help you determine if somone in your life is an introvert or an extrovert:

https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2018/09/14/is-your-child-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert-how-to-find-out/

Research on personality types and how they affect relationships began with something you may have heard of before, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  Based on previous studies by psychiatrist Carl Jung, the MBTI is a surprisingly accurate indicator of how you experience the world, based on four principal psychological functions – sensation, intuition, feeling, and thinking. I took my first MBTI in the late 1980s, and, after taking the same test today, I still came out with the same result as I did over 30 years ago!

Here is a link to a quick version of a personality test if you’d like to try it yourself (it’s free and no need to log in!):

https://www.16personalities.com/

And more information about personality types:

Finding the Positive

by triadwellnesscounseling

My mother (who is now 89 years old) was born during the Great Depression and grew up amid the angst of World War II. She was ten years old when Pearl Harbor was bombed and remembers vividly the sound of air-raid sirens in her small town. Her parents were designated as “air-raid wardens,” meaning they had to walk around the neighborhood and surrounding areas at night and make sure that everyone had their blinds pulled tight and all lights were out during blackout drills, a procedure that was supposed to help prepare Americans by keeping them less visible in case an enemy plane flew overhead. She remembers her mom and dad going out at night in complete darkness to make sure that no light was visible from neighboring homes. It was one of the ways that communities pulled together in an effort to stay safe.

For Christmas and birthdays during the depression years, my mom and her siblings would be thrilled to receive oranges. Yes, oranges! Oranges and other fruits were scarce during the war, so it was quite a treat to receive them at Christmas. Her other gift at Christmas would be a doll dress made by her mother from flour sacks or a doll bed that her older brother carved from tree limbs in the back yard.

Times were incredibly difficult during WWII and the depression so, considering the stress that we are currently going through with COVID-19, I asked Mom how they coped. “We just did what we had to do,” she replied. “We were very grateful for the few things that we did have, and we shared with those who weren’t so fortunate.”  Though it was a very stressful time, there was still a lot of joy, and families and communities were very close.

Many families are suffering today in similar ways to my mom’s childhood during the Great Depression: job loss, separation from family members and friends, fear and stress, and a completely different way of living that is now based at home. It’s easy to focus on the negative aspects of life during COVID-19, which just increases our stress levels.

So here is your family challenge for this week:  what positive changes has your family made since March? What good things have you noticed about your children? About yourself? I asked my son the other day to name me something positive that he has realized since COVID-19 became a reality. “My friends are really important to me,” he replied. “I’ve realized how much I enjoy spending time with my two best friends.” He’s also learned to cook during this time at home, which is something else that is positive in his life.

As for me, I’ve realized how much I enjoy baking, and how much healthier we eat now that we fix meals at home. I was always so busy before, and we ate out a lot as a family. I’m really enjoying eating at home every night, and we’ve developed some wonderful family time as a result, creating a new dinner routine that each of us looks forward to.

I’ve also created a new morning ritual where I exercise, meditate, then sit on my front porch with a warm cup of tea as I watch the birds at my feeder. It is a soul-satisfying start to my day that I didn’t have previously, and I am grateful for the extended time I now have to enjoy this new routine.

So take a moment and think of the positive things in your life right now, things that might not be happening if life were back to normal. Share these positive things with your kids on a regular basis and take time to point out the good that has come from this difficult time. It will help you and your children to feel less stressed, more secure, and more focused on positive outcomes.

The Healing Power of Art

by triadwellnesscounseling

In the year 2000, I gave birth to my second child and decided to take some time away from my profession as a counselor to stay home with my two children. I loved every minute of my time with them and started documenting their young lives through one of my favorite artistic mediums, photography.

We had a darkroom in my home when I was younger, and I loved to watch my older brother as he printed the photographs he had taken. It was magical to me, watching the images come to life right in front of my eyes, and I quickly became interested in having my own camera. When I was eleven years old, my dad gave me a Polaroid camera, et voilà! I was hooked for life. I was a very shy child and photography gave me a safe, creative way to express myself.

While I was a stay-at-home mom, I started my own photography business, taking portraits of friends and family first, then segueing into wedding photography. In 2011 I accepted a job as the photography department coordinator at the Sawtooth School for Visual Art, which put me in a wonderful community of other artists. I was able to see firsthand the healing nature of the arts, watching people in a variety of mediums flourish while creating.

During my time as a wedding photographer, I became a single parent. It was incredibly difficult for me to be photographing people during their most joyful time when I was struggling personally, but I found that the art of photographing others was giving me a purpose. I was not only making a living from my art, but I was healing from it as well.

In 2012, I was once again working as a counselor while still in charge of the photography department at Sawtooth. Knowing how much the arts helped me heal through great losses in my own life, I was eager to share my experiences with others and created the Healing and Wellness Through the Arts program at Sawtooth.  The very first class I designed was called Healing Grief and Loss Through Photography and it continues to be my favorite class that I teach.  The curative nature of photography in relation to releasing grief is overwhelming: emotional, ugly, and crushing at times while also calming, beautiful, and grounding.

To me the goal of grief counseling has never been to eliminate grief completely but to assimilate it into your life in a way that is healthy instead of devastating. Art promotes this time of integration so well.

I expanded the Healing and Wellness Through the Arts program to offer other classes and include other artistic mediums in addition to photography: writing, painting, mixed media. I firmly believe that art is therapeutic no matter what your skill level. So many people shy away from art because they don’t feel like they would be any good at it. But it’s not about skill or creating something perfect.

Taking a leap and trusting your own creativity can be restorative in the most marvelous ways when you accept that the benefit of art is not tied to your skill level: it is about the beauty of release and personal expression that allows you to use a different part of your brain to aid in moving past personal obstacles to a freer state of mind.

During my time at Sawtooth, I partnered with many different organizations to offer art in recovery, including Novant Health Derrick L. Davis Cancer Institute, Wake Forest Baptist Health, Riverwood Therapeutic Riding Center, and The Humanities Institute at Wake Forest University. With each experience, my faith in the healing power of art grew stronger.

Artistic expression is the cornerstone of my therapeutic process. And I am not alone in this belief, as there are so many studies on the curative benefits of art.

Check out these articles for further reading:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/the-healing-power-of-art#:~:text=Studies%20have%20shown%20that%20expressing,a%20person’s%20skill%20or%20talents.

https://www.healing-power-of-art.org/art-and-the-brain/