Tag: health

A Caregiver’s Journey

by triadwellnesscounseling

I officially became a caregiver of one person on August 10th, 2019. I became a caregiver of two people by December of 2021. One of the people I am caring for is supposed to be my partner in life, the person who makes decisions with me and we care for each other, jointly handling the stress and joys that accompany being a family unit. The other person I am caring for is the one person who has loved me the most throughout my entire life. She gave birth to me, and has always been my greatest champion. Both of the people I am caring for I love dearly, and both need me equally. They are also two hours apart, so I split my weeks in half in order to give each of them the time they need, which is actually never enough for either of them and always too much for me.

In my work as a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, several of my clients are also caregivers, and I have been doing a lot of reading and research about caregiving over the past few years to keep up with both their needs and mine. I have seen what it does to other people. I know what it does to me. There is evidence that caregiving changes people both physically and mentally, and not always for the better. This is very frightening to me, having this knowledge, but not knowing how to stop it. I’ve known of at least three situations off the top of my head in which, once the caregiver lost the person they were caring for, they developed severe physical problems/illnesses that eventually led to death. And I know how often caregivers feel left out of life, as if everyone else gets to go on living and somehow they never quite catch up. I have known caregivers who have sadly taken their own lives, and have read about that happening with disturbing regularity. It is a kind of dark desperation to end what has no predictable end, and I know the deep well that those feelings are drawn from. That’s why I’m writing this post: to bring awareness to those who often feel out of step with the rest of the world and may need help, but don’t know how to ask for it.

Many of the caregivers I’ve worked with have been so dysregulated that they can’t tell others what they need. I’m that way myself sometimes. If you ask me what I need from you, it’s likely that I don’t know anything past the very moment that I am in, and my needs change frequently. When I ask another caregiver what they need, I often follow what I call “SWAP”: do you need Suggestions (advice about something), Witness (just listening and being a witness to feelings), A combination of witness and suggestions, or Physical affirmation (a hug, a touch, a hand-hold, etc.) That covers most things and gives the caregiver a path to follow, instead of having to think hard to come up with something when their minds and bodies are too tired to do so.

The standard self-care measures often don’t work with caregivers. Well-meaning folks often say that I need to take care of myself, and I know that, but what does self-care look like for me? I can’t take lengthy vacations, and even when I am away I am tethered to those I am caregiving for by phone and text, and also mentally (I wonder how she is doing? Could she have fallen? I wonder if he made it to work? Did he feed the dog and let him out? etc) Even when I have gone out to eat with friends I have had this nagging urge to get back home to check on my person. As much as I want to relax, it just doesn’t happen easily.

I have stopped doing the things that bring me joy because I don’t feel the joy in the same way anymore. I miss my yoga, but don’t have the energy to do it even when I have a bit of free time. I miss writing, though often no thoughts come to mind when I sit down to write. I miss long walks or going to parks to enjoy the outdoors. I miss playing my guitar or watching movies, or even making time to see friends. When I get home from work, it’s all I can do to fix dinner and get ready for the next day. I simply don’t have the mental or physical energy that self-care requires, and that is often something I hear from other caregivers: there’s just no energy or mental space for things other than sleep. And often, sleep is elusive.

But one thing I do have, and have in abundance, is friendship and a supportive family. I am so lucky in that respect, as some caregivers are almost completely on their own, and I can’t even imagine what that is like for them to feel so alienated. One thing my friends constantly do to keep connected to me is to send me funny memes or ones of friendship. That simple act lets me know I am in their thoughts, and that is powerful. I so often think of my friends, yet don’t reach out. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them or want to see them. It just means that I can’t find the energy to reach out.

I’m not forgetting about them. I’m forgetting about me.

The sad reality about most caregiving is that, in order for there to be relief, someone has to die. Living with that is a horrible, conflicting feeling. To want relief at all costs feels so callous. Yet there are days when I want the stress to end, knowing full well what that means. That is a tough pill to swallow, and one that I am continually digesting.

If there is a caregiver in your life, make sure you reach out every now and again. Not with any agenda or purpose necessarily, just to touch base. Even small gestures can mean so much. And if you are a caregiver and need support, please feel free to reach out to me. I love connecting with other caregivers.

I missed National Caregivers Day. It was apparently Feb. 21st. So this is my belated shout out to all the caregivers I know: I see you. I empathize with you. You are not forgotten.

Changing a Resolution Into a Thoughtful Commitment

by triadwellnesscounseling

Welcome to 2025! I hope your new year is off to a good start.

As we welcome in the new year, it is not uncommon to start thinking of new year’s resolutions: changes we would like to make in our lives, usually based on improving some not-so-great habits that dominated the previous year. These often take the form of weight loss or becoming more healthy through exercise and diet, decluttering, creating a better routine or system of organization, improving or expanding our social networks, etc. Many of these resolutions start out with the best of intentions, but are often not set up for success, creating an adverse effect instead of a positive one. 

A recent article published by CBS News’ Sara Moniuszko states that, “While nearly half of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, only about 25% of people actually stay committed to their resolutions after just 30 days, according to Columbia University. And even fewer, less than 10%, accomplish their goals.“

So how do you improve your chances of keeping your resolutions and turning them into lasting habits? Many resolutions are goal-focused, i.e. focused on the end result instead of the process. In focusing on a single result—like losing 40 pounds by the end of the year—we ignore the system. Our system is our way of life: our environment, how we operate on a day to day basis. It can either set us up for success, or doom us to failure. As James Clear, author of the book Atomic Habits, states, “It sounds simple, but a habit can occur only if you are capable of doing it.”  

Using weight loss as an example, let’s say “Jane Doe” commits to losing 20 pounds by the end of June. Jane picks a diet to go on, decides she is going to exercise three times a week at the local gym, then starts tracking her progress with a weight loss app. The diet ends up not compatible with the usual foods that she eats, requires a lot of prep time, and is thus hard to adhere to. Jane works overtime a lot, and doesn’t have a lot of energy for food preparation. The gym she chose to attend for exercise classes is 25 minutes from her house, so she doesn’t go as often as she resolves to because of lack of time and motivation to drive out of her way. Six months later, and not only has Jane not lost weight, but she’s actually gained five pounds. She didn’t stick to her diet, and gave up on exercising after only a couple of weeks. 

Jane is not the failure: her system is. 

In the above scenario, a better approach would be for Jane to examine her system first, then determine a plan (in this case, how and what she normally eats and how to adjust that, and how much free time she can reliably manage to exercise, given her work requirements).

If you set yourself up for success by realistically examining your system and where you can work with that system to make healthy–sometimes smaller–changes, you are much more likely to succeed. Smaller changes turn into larger ones in time, once a habit is formed.

In addition to examining our systems, Atomic Habits suggests that changing a habit involves identifying with that new habit, even before we feel we’ve achieved success. He cites the example of two people trying to quit smoking. When the first person is offered a cigarette, he says, “No, thank you. I’m trying to quit smoking.” When the second person is offered a cigarette, he replies, “No, thank you. I don’t smoke.” Though both people are trying to quit smoking, the first one still identifies as a smoker, the second identifies as a non-smoker. Though it may seem like a small difference, identifying with your goal and embodying that mindset sets you up for greater success. 

Let’s go back to the weight loss example. If you are trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle, you might ask yourself when faced with binge-eating a bag of chips, “Is this a choice that a healthy person would make?” By identifying as a healthy person now rather than a person trying to lose weight, you are much more likely to decline that bag of chips. 

I highly recommend the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. If you are trying to change any habit in your life or develop new ones, this book is invaluable.  You can find it here: 

Another great series of books for keeping New Year’s resolutions is through Habit Nest. https://habitnest.com/

I’m currently using their yoga book and decluttering book, both of which are wonderful. For the first time in my life, I have been able to stick to a yoga routine, thanks to Habit Nest’s The Yoga book. I know I don’t have time to attend yoga classes due to my varied work schedule, but I do have time to follow the exercises in my book on my own time. And instead of boldly proclaiming that I will practice yoga every day, I realistically looked at my schedule and found that I can reliably set aside five mornings a week for yoga. Going even further into my lifestyle, knowing that I’m often tired from work and caregiving, I set my goal for practicing yoga at four days a week. For over two months now, I have met my goal every week. I worked with my system instead of against it, and have thus been successful.

To help you on your journey of turning a resolution into a thoughtful commitment (i.e. habit!), consider the following resources:

For weight loss, exercise, and/or healthy eating:

www.habitnest.com (specifically https://habitnest.com/collections/fitness-habits)

dailyom.com (click on the Courses tab and explore by topic) There are so many different healthy classes to take here, working at your own speed and price range.

For decluttering and organizing:

Both of the above websites also offer books and classes on decluttering and other topics. You might consider these:

https://www.dailyom.com/courses/home-organizing/

https://habitnest.com/collections/lifestyle-habits/products/the-home-organization-sidekick-journal?variant=42761001533599

If podcasts are your thing, I highly recommend Andrew Mellen’s podcast: https://www.andrewmellen.com/podcast

You can also find him on Spotify and YouTube, and anywhere else you typically listen to podcasts. He’s a great organizer, and has some smart, easy-to-follow tips for getting your life in order.

~

In creating a new habit, always practice compassion for yourself. Learning a new habit takes time and patience and requires a different way of thinking than what’s already programmed into your brain. You’re likely to have setbacks, so be prepared to cut yourself some slack, then keep going.

Wishing you all the best in the new year and beyond!

Amanda